"" Rendition Road: Resolutions, Blogging Terror, & My 'Copy-Paste' Life {Part 1}

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Saturday, January 21, 2012

Resolutions, Blogging Terror, & My 'Copy-Paste' Life {Part 1}

I will tell you I don't believe in New Years resolutions. I don't, really. I feel pressured, closed in, boxed off, & watched. Watched like I am expected to come up with my own list of amazing feats to be accomplished with this fresh new year I've been given.

When the conversation around me begins to go the way of heady promises & dramatic goals I can actually feel my throat closing up & the hives beginning to itch. {Okay that was slightly dramatic} I don't know why I'm like this. Maybe it comes from the past resolutions I've made & broken. {In very short order at times} Maybe it's because the idea of laying out such concrete decisions for myself, so far in advance, seems intimidating.

Maybe it's because I'm not meant to be a goal-driven, go-getter, 'ready to make my mark on the world' kind of girl? I'd like to think I am be that kind of girl so what's the problem?What is the problem indeed.

I began reading blogs almost two years ago and was quickly introduced to an entire arena of 'those kinds of girls.' Here they were right on my computer screen. They were mothers, wives, homemakers, and....bloggers. I would read post after post filled with beautiful photographs, perfectly polished homes, adorable children, and ah-ma-zing projects. "I could surely do that." I thought. I've been tearing apart, remaking, and creating something from nothing since I could walk & talk. I was a natural born DIY'er before I even knew there was a name for it.

How hard could it be for me to do what these ladies were doing? All the blogs I read had very similar categories; similar recipes, similar cute kiddo pictures, and similar home decor projects. Every blog I read was managing to keep up with the latest trends & discoveries. We do, after all, live in a copy-paste kind of world. We see, we like, we do. If I stuck with what was popular, trendy, and working for everyone else, I was sure to be a success. I had discovered my no-fail plan.

A new world opened up to me then & I decided to embark on a new journey....I think....as soon as I read a few more blogs & perfect a few more of my DIY techniques. If I was going to be out there for the entire world  a few strangers to see then I needed to make sure I was 'good enough' to have people read what I wrote. It was one thing to do a project my way when only my little circle of family & friends would see it; it was a completely new game if it was going to be out there on the internet.

So I read blogs & practiced what I was seeing. I read more blogs & practiced some more. Copy-paste. Copy-paste. I had gotten the notion in my head that I couldn't very well have a blog based solely on my projects. I would have to showcase how I worked them into my home, my life, & my spaces. I wasn't sure what my decorating style I was, if I even had a defined style. I mean, after all, I only knew what worked for my home. My home certainly didn't look as beautiful as what I was seeing on my computer screen. These women had style, they had a knack for pulling everything together seamlessly. I wanted to learn to do that so I trudged along. Some of the projects weren't exactly my style or preference or color choice, but it was what seemed to be loved by the masses. So copy-paste, copy-paste some more into my real life as I tried to become more like those I read about.

An entire year of my copy-paste life went by in the blink of an eye. I was so focused on learning I'm not even sure where the time went. I continued to tell myself I would create my blog as son as I got better at ___________.{insert whatever here}It really didn't take long for me to become tired of this way of living. I was always pushing myself to learn more, do more, be better, and not in a healthy way either. I started to really miss the days when I would create with careless abandon. When I would create just for the sake of creating without a care in the world if it was a "successful creation" or not. I missed my carefree self.
See?! Carefree :)

I continued on however, because to listen to my own voice of creativity might mean failure. Failure could not be an option. Not when there was an opportunity out there to do what I truly loved & share it with others. I had to drown out my voice because it was the scary voice; my voice was the voice of insecurity & doubt. Why listen to my voice when I could be soaking in the words of wisdom of all the women who had gone before me & succeeded? Why not just do it their way & call it a day?

Why not indeed.

Continue on to part 2 to finish reading the story of how my blog was born.


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